Double Vision...

No, that's not Juicy Boy and Princess, that's my brother and I. I look at my kids and see us. Isn't it interesting the way our genes combine...

I Release and I Let Go...

I've lost weight and I feel
wonderful!

I feel much lighter without the weight, physically and mentally. I didn't go on any particular diet to lose the weight, although I did increase my daily water intake. I didn't begin a special exercise regiment, although I have begun to walk around my neighborhood since the temperature has warmed up. These things combined with the most powerful factor to my weight loss have allowed me to get rid of the fat suit.

I feel like the workers in The Wiz when Evillene, the Wicked Witch of the West, melts into the toilet at the end of the movie. I feel like I've peeled off the ugly fat suit I was wearing to reveal a beautifully sculptured body (my body doesn't look like theirs, but I like the skin that I'm in). I sing a song rejoicing that I've lost the weight. Ya'll know I love The Wiz.

The most powerful component of my weight loss has been/is my spiritual and personal growth. I know it sounds very new age and cliche, but it's true. When I was placed on bed rest for Juicy Boy, I had to be still. During that stillness, I realized some things. I realized that I was depressed and had been for quite some time. I realized that I didn't value myself. I realized that I made sacrifices for everyone else but myself. I realized that I lived for everyone else but myself. I realized that my previous job for the U.S. Department of Education, while prestigious and financially rewarding, sucked the life out of me. I realized that I loved everyone else but myself.

It seems that for years people had been telling me to take time for myself, I said I would, but I never did. Bear used to encourage me to go out and do something for myself, buy something for myself, have some me time. I would go out, and come back with things for him and/or Princess and not myself. I stopped doing the things that I enjoyed doing like going to the bookstore, walking, shopping, drawing, writing, creating. I stayed in a comfort zone with family and friends who wouldn't/didn't talk about the person they saw disappear before their eyes. They didn't talk about the woman who stopped wearing make up. I didn't wear a lot before, but I only wore make up if it was a special occasion. They didn't talk about the woman who was so active before, but who was always tired. They didn't talk about the woman who could THROW DOWN some food. They didn't talk about the woman who liked to disappear in the group and who would encourage, cheer on, and support others. They didn't talk about the woman who wore black all of the time because she thought it made her look slimmer (I still love black, but for different reasons). They didn't talk about the woman who thought she was chunky but funky, but who knew deep down inside that she was just getting bigger and bigger and who didn't feel funky at all. They didn't talk about the woman who felt out of control, but who attempted to appear to have it all together (and I don't think I was successful at creating that appearance).

While on bed rest, I realized that I was more than the life I was living. I realized that if I wanted to live a different life, I was responsible for designing it with my dreams and actions. I realized that no one, not even my Bear, could give me the life I wanted to live but me. I also realized that God made me and I am His child, so I couldn't be as bad as I felt.

So the search began to find Jill. I honestly didn't know who the real Jill was. I knew the person who did what she thought she was supposed to do. I knew the person who did things to please other people. I knew the Jill who kept on the safe path because...well, it was safe. I was looking for the Jill who loves the sunshine on her face and skin. I was looking for the Jill who is very passionate about education, literature, and art. I was looking for the Jill who has a soundtrack accompanying her daily life. I was looking for the Jill who loves who she is and how she looks. I was looking for the Jill who loves herself so much that she is able to love in a healthy way. I was looking for the Jill who saw God and His miracles everyday in the "ordinary."

I found that extremely special Jill. I found her in my journal writings that allowed me to bleed out the negative experiences and thoughts that had become a part of me. I found her in a renewed relationship with God via the ministering of Rev. Dr. Michael Beckwith. I found her in the daily miracles that God shares with us in the "ordinary." I found her in the music that is the soul of my life via the ipod my parents gave me. I found her in the agape love, encouraging words, and recognition of my growth from Bear. I found her in the hugs and kisses from Princess and Juicy Boy. I found her in my friendships...my personal angel network. I found her in creating my cards. I found her in completing my book. I found her in writing this blog. I found her in making a difference at my job. I found her in my evolving style. I found her in walking and even attempting to run for exercise. I found Jill!

I found myself again because as the song says, "I release and I let go, I let the Spirit run my life, and my heart is open wide, Yes it's only up to God, no more struggle no more strife, with my faith I see the Light, I am free in the Spirit, Yes I'm only here for God!"